silver lining

every cloud has a silver lining right? well i'm starting to find my silver lining. Having ADHD is not easy, it never has been an probably never will be. But i'm starting to find good things, I'm learning to focus all my energy in more positive directions... most of the time ;). I figured out that to a certain extent i can take control of my ability to hyper-focus! I can sit down and do a project for 8 hours straight if i have too! Sometimes without even realizing it, but I can use my hyper-focus almost like a super power! Also all this extra energy comes in handy with late nights and long days. not to mention it makes me quirky :) I'm think I've accepted it, and it still has its hard days, long nights and emotional roller coastering, but i'm getting there.

It's been too long!!

So I haven't been on here or on any of my blogs all semester!! That's just how crazy it's been!! I'm just recovering from a broken collar bone, due to a freak skateboarding accident 2 weeks into the semester! There would be way to much for me to try to cover in just one blog, or all at once! For one thing I'm finally starting to feel like myself again! Being so badly injured really takes a toll on you and you don't even realize it until you start to feel like yourself again. Granted I'm exhausted from homework and have a perpetual headache from so much work on the computer, but I'll get over it! It's so good to start feeling like myself again :)
Lately I've been having a hard time trying to get my roommate to listen to me about what I know about myself and about my adhd. She's such a sweetheart, and I know she's just trying to help me out, but we disagree about a few things when it comes to this subject. But I guess as long as I do what I know is good for myself, and stay open to and take the good advise from people, then I'll be alright. Plus I've had to really, really hard semesters in a row now! And hopefully I'll get a break being off this coming semester.
So I'm starting to slowly learn to use some of my adhd to my advantage. I have discovered the advantage and power that come with the ability to hyperfocus!! It's amazing to feel myself going into hyperfocus! It's like nothing can stop me!! I'm so blessed sometimes to be able to do such amazing things with the mind that I've been blessed with! Also, my roommates think that I'm crazy going on so little sleep for so long, and I mean, I don't want too, but I have like back-up stores of energy.
It's so weird how much being injured can affect everything in your life! I'm just getting over a broken collar bone and surgery for it... it really takes a toll, and I didn't realize how much it was breaking me down until I started getting better and started feeling like myself again!
Today I ran out of ritalin halfway through my day and I was on campus trying to do work, somehow I managed to really hyperfocus in on my work and get quite a bit done, and I'm absolutely exhausted, but I have so much energy! It's an odd sensation. I should probably go and try to get some sleep cuz I have a long day tomorrow...

more from ADDer world...

in response to a post about sensory overload...
I do have this problem to some extent, but in certain area, or some days I can handle things better. Since I've started taking medication it has helped a lot. I can be sensitive to certain noises, at certain times. For some reason I LOVE having my music up loud and going... it actually helps me, and the t.v. is ok loud if it's something I don't mind watching. There are certain times were too much is just too much though. We have a fan in our room, and having it on is not a problem, in fact it helps!! ...unless it starts to rattle... that will drive me insane!! it's things like that, there are just certain noises that grate at my nerves. I am wicked hypersensitive to touch. I'm an interesting type, when it comes to people, I love being close, I love hugs, I love cuddling, etc, but for example, growing up, I always wore really baggy clothes, that were several sizes too big for me, I didn't know I had adhd, all that I knew was that tight clothing bothered the heck out of me, and made it hard for me to sit still. In fact it was painful to wear closed shoes, I remember times, when I would actually start to cry if I couldn't wiggle my toes, even with my medicine I avoid wearing shoes and socks if i can. I also never used to wear a coat to school, even in the dead of winter because it was just too much!! And another one that really drives me crazy is things on my fingernails, whether it's polish or a bandaid or anything that might get stuck to them. When I was really young I couldn't stand being touched, but that has since changed :)

My post about best time of day "what's your time of day"
ok so I'm fairly new here on ADDer world, so I don't know if this has already been discussed, but I was wondering if anyone else ever feels like there are parts of the day that they can handle better than others, like is it easier for you to get up in the morning and function better then and such, or do you function better and feel better as it gets later? Maybe this is a weird question but for example I have been out of my medicine for the past few days and still trying to get in to get more, and I hold up ok without it, but I've noticed that the later it is, the easier it is for me to handle myself better? I've also read that some people with ADHD function better and even do their best work at night, especially when/if they can't sleep... sometimes I feel like that's the case with me. Anyone have any thoughts or comments or similar experiences??

in response to someone's question about ADHD and music...
most definitely!!! it sounds like you just described me Rohan! Music is a huge part of my life!! I love music, I have it on almost all the time, it helps me focus and can definitely influence my mood. I've almost always needed music on when I'm trying to do homework, or anything really!! It give my brain something else to focus on, and keeps me from being overstimulated by everything else that might be going on around me, and on the other side of things, complete silence will drive me crazy, it's deafening for me to sit in complete silence, and sometimes even white noise will start to get to me depending on what it is. Music also has a huge influence on my mood, happy sad, whatever!! and it helps me to superfocus, or if anything focus a little better on whatever I'm doing. I fall asleep to music a lot, walk around listening to it, driving, cleaning, almost everything. and also what i'm listening to really just depends on the mood i'm in or the mood i want to be in, I tell people that if they want to know how I'm feeling, just find out what i'm listening to. Also I'm a musician myself. If there's one thing that can help me focus, or whatever, it's sitting down with my guitar, or at a piano... or trying to learn something new. I write and sing, and those things help a lot. I love music!

In response to a question about ADHDers being drawn to each other...
interesting... yea I can see that, I dunno though. I've only met very few other people with ADHD... the first boy I fell in love with had ADHD, I don't remember when he told me about it, and I wasn't diagnosed until sometime after we had stopped dating, so it's very interesting to think about!!... I get along well with just about EVERYONE but especially people who might not be ADHD, but who are similar (really i don't know if they are or not) but they are just as dynamic and wild and things like that and we have CRAZY fun!!

In response to post diagnosis dating fears...
Yes I do worry... I'm different!! Whether I look at it positively or negatively, either way I'm different... my brain works different, my life moves forward differently, i handle things differently, i see things differently... heck let's face it I'm a handful!! There's just a lot of me to love, a lot going on in my mind and all of me going 100mph. I worry that I won't meet someone who can handle all of me, don't get me wrong, I love all of me but still I wonder! My mom knows me better than I know myself sometimes, and she has always thought that I would need to meet someone who can handle me, and will love me for all of me :) I like that. But yes, I do worry and get nervous about how my ADHD will affect my relationships and other things.

In response to a question about perfectionism...
oh gosh yes!! I'm quite the perfectionist... I expect SO much of myself. I'm learning though, just as some have already said, that really I'm just trapping myself and being unfair to myself... I'm learning that I can do my best and that really that's enough! That sometimes, things will happen the way they happen, that when those things happens it isn't always my fault, and that either way there is something for me to learn. I have to remind my self of these a lot, but it gets easier as I do more. Sometimes I make simple things much more complicated than they need to be... but the more I remind myself that I don't have to be perfect, the better I feel, because I don't feel like I'm letting myself down... I struggle quite a bit with perfectionism, but I'm learning, with lots of help, that I can give myself a break sometimes :)

In response to a question about the T.V. and radio...
Oh man yes!! I almost always have to have background noise... the tv, some music playing a fan going... something like that, always, if it's absolutely silent it will start to get to me and make it harder for me to do anything! Having something else going on, like music when I study, or a movie to sleep, helps me drown out some of the chaos in my mind, as well as every little random other noise around me. Or when sleeping, with a movie on, if I can get myself to listen to that, my mind doesn't dart off in every direction as much, as I'm trying to sleep, because if I enjoy the movie, and it's one I've seen enough times, I can listen to that and fall asleep easier. My parents used to not like it when I would listen to music and study, they thought it would distract me and I wouldn't get my work done, but it really does help!
Today my roommates and I turned on a movie, started a game, and grabbed some snacks... it was interesting that really they could only do one or the other... i played the game, watched the movie and probably could have started doing a few other things, it was kinda funny.
Chaotic noise distracts the heck out of me though, and can drive me insane!! Like sitting in a meeting where the room is supposed to be quite, and to most people it is... but I can hear every whisper, every yawn, sneeze, squeaky chair, candy wrapper, paper, etc, etc, usually magnified, and it drives me crazy!! I can't focus on the meeting or anything else, same with homework, or in a library... studying in the library can be hard for me. I get so bored that I can't focus and I start to daydream, or search for something more interesting without even realizing it.

In response to a question about favorite teachers ans why...
I had a few teachers that I really liked, and it was usually because they were pretty darn chill about things. They were the teachers who gave second chances. They were willing to show some personality in their teaching, it made it so much easier for me to pay attention to learn. My favorite teachers were especially the ones who I knew took an interest in me personally, it made me want to do better, almost the same thing I've read in some of these other posts, about forming a more emotional connection with your teacher because you knew they cared, and at least for me, and emotional connection with anyone makes things that much easier! If a teacher became angry with me or got on to me, I wanted to become distant. Do my work and not really associate if I didn't have to. I think that I had 2 favorite elementary school teachers. Mrs. Reeves and Mrs. Kolb... I had a nasty fear of failure, but both of them saw my potential and were constantly encouraging me to do better and to be better, they saw me for who I was and what I could do if given the chance and pushed a little. It was so cool, they are teachers that I could go back and talk to and they would probably remember me, especially Mrs. Reeves my 3rd grade teacher. She could see what I could do and encouraged me so much to succeed!! My least favorite teacher was actually a substitute that we had frequently in elementary school. She didn't treat us like people, she was very, very strict and never seemed happy, and we felt the repercussions of that... it was a sad day when you know she was subbing... I feel bad for her though because she didn't seem happy, and since we felt what came from that, she probably knew that a lot of students didn't like her, it was just a vicious cycle... oh well, I made it through!! Now I'm a university student with a lot of really good teachers and a lot of really good opportunities!! OH bottom line, I say... any child, especially ADHD needs to know that a teacher cares, and that a teacher will give them every opportunity to succeed, and help and encouragement! Knowing that someone else believes that you can succeed can really make a HUGE difference!!!

In response to "you know you have add/adhd when..."
hahaha i do stuff like all of this all the time!! I've learned to laugh at myself, and for the most part it's hard to embarrass me. I also loose my words a lot or stumble with them. I'll be sitting talking about something and I'll know exactly what I'm trying to say and then just lose the word!! I put stuff in the wrong place a lot and misplace things, and leave food in the microwave and yea, all sorts of stuff. one of my big ones is i'll be talking to someone about something, good conversation, and something completely random and off topic will cross my mind... and i'll say it out loud and just as part of the conversation... they get confussed but recover quickly and we move on... or we laugh.

anyway... life is good :) I'll have ritalin in the morning, my life is wonderful!! And being so ADHD I just realized that it's after 3 in the morning and I need to get to sleep :) goodnight blog world.

... OH SHINY!!....

Ok, so I've been not here for the pas like week... It's been an interesting week to say the least... So last Friday, I was suddenly out of my ritalin... oh shoot... I had just been getting over being really sick, and I had thrown myself into my final projects in my studio classes, because they needed to be done by yesterday (which they were =]) so my weekend has been not so great. I haven't been this long without my medication since I found out about my ADHD. I've been sooooooo up and down and back and forth and everywhere it's driving me crazy!! Most of the time I feel not in control of myself, I keep doing and saying ridiculous and stupid things, and asking ridiculous questions, and fidgeting and bouncing and crying at the drop of a hat!! Also my appetite has NOT been suppressed so I eat like "the food is going to disappear off my plate!!" at least that's how my roommates put it :) I love them. They have been so patient and understanding... I have the.best.roommates. hands down. They have both both been so sweet to me. They both know my medication ran out and they both are completely understanding that I act differently and can't help it. Oh my goodness I can't even begin to explain how wonderful they have been!So patient of my distractedness and ridiculous questions and my immense hyperactivity. They treat me with the love and kindness that only true friends could :). Saturday was the worst day by far. I just lost myself by the end of the day. Sunday was amazing!!! I was myself, just Nichole for the whole day!! I did have one last pill for church that morning, but even after that, I kept it cool and was just me. It was so amazing and happy. Yesterday and today have both been up and down. Especially since I'm trying to finish up the semester and get packed and moved and travel home!! It's been insane!! Especially without ritalin to help me focus and not panic! Tomorrow morning I'm going in to the doctor to get my prescription renewed. Can I just tell you how excited I am that I'm going to be able to function and be myself again. I've learned a lot these past few day. Like how good people can be, how truly wonderful and loving my roommates are despite my severe ADHD. Side not: I read somewhere that when you grow up undiagnosed, as I did, your body and mind come up with "natural defenses" and ways to handle the ADHD to the best of it's ability, but never as good as medication can be. Once you start taking medication, your body basically says "screw natural defenses. I don't need then anymore!" So for the first few months of taking ritalin, my night times were sometimes a crash and burn, but it was SO worth it. :) I've gotten a lot better about handling my nights and my moments... BUT the last few days have been torture!! Cuz I don't have those natural methods of dealing anymore and stopping having medication so suddenly has NOT been fun... oh man. Oh man... let's just hope that tomorrow I can get everything done and taken care of. Oh man.
Also, interesting story... a few times over the course of the semester, I've tried to help my roommate understand what I got through sometimes. One time I was telling her about my desperate need to move when I'm not on my ritalin. I explained to her that trying to sit still was actually painful, and that my body had to keep moving and fidgeting, or it would literally become painful! I used to lie in bed at night when I was little and have SUCH a hard time falling asleep! (haha I used to get in soooo much trouble for that, but really neither my parents or I knew that it was because I had ADHD) I would lay there and try and see how long I could lay still for, and it would just start to hurt my whole body!! Well my roommate, with all of her trying to work hard and do everything, exhausted her body... there was one night she was up until after 5am on the phone! Anyway, the next day, she was telling my about how incredibly fidgety she had been all day and how she had been at the point where not moving or fidgeting became painful for her (just because here body was so exhausted and running on adrenaline and energy she didn't have) She said to me (in so many words) "Oh my gosh, you feel like this all the time... I AM SO SORRY!!! THIS IS HECK!!!" she even told me at some point that it was like torture and she just kind of looked at me in kind of like a light bulb going on kind of way, like in a small way, she could understand one of the things that I go through. Bless her heart, I love her TO DEATH!!! I just smiled at here and said I was so sorry she didn't feel good, because I know how that can feel and I felt terrible that she was so exhausted!! But it was interesting... She has also had a hard time sleeping this semester... I've had that problem for most of my life, whether it's because my brain or my body or both just will not turn off and let me sleep!! And she was describing it to me and we were talking about it, and we've talked about it before, but I usually don't bring my problem up because I don't want her to think that I think my problem is worse, or more important... because I in no way do... in fact, if anything I'm used to it... I mean it still sucks, but I'm pretty used to it, it's happened all my life!!... anyway, it was another similar moment, where she realized that I felt like she was all the time, and she could again, in one way, understand what I experience more often than not. It was really, really cool... a lot of the things she's dealing with, I can understand and help her with... it makes me feel happy that I can help her.... She has been such a blessing in my life... When I first met her she didn't know how to deal with a roommate with ADHD, but the more she got to know me, the more she liked me, and wanted me around. She is one of the "more patient with me" people that I have met, although I have been met to meet a few very wonderful patient loving friends who have loved me so much and overlooked that I have ADHD... I could list all of them, but that might be more to think about then I can handle without my meds right now... Anyway, it means a lot to me that she can in some ways understand a little better... not that I would ever, ever, ever wish it on her or anyone, especially not just for the sake of understanding... I love her so much!! She has been so sweet to me about all of this... we've developed and amazing friendship that has helped us both to grow immensely... I'm gonna miss her a lot.
Also, I've discovered how much better I function at night with my ADHD... my body is used to not having medicine in it at night, so now without it, at night at least, I do pretty dang good... this will be helpful when I do get back on my meds, because now I can see that really, at night, sometimes I have my breakdowns, but my medicine does a pretty good job, and my body and mind do a pretty good job as well at night. ALSO I discovered caffeine!! Ok, that looks a bit crazy, normally I don't drink caffeine... especially when I'm on ritalin too, but not having ritalin for the past few days I did some research and found that I could fall back on caffeine, and although it doesn't work nearly as well as my ritalin, it works pretty dang good as a fall back!! It's kinda cool how it helped I didn't expect it to work as well as it did, but it's helped me through my rough weekend!
Anyway, tomorrow I have a lot to get done, so I should probably get some sleep, but I will be back to update again, especially after I have ritalin in me... I really probably shouldn't be so excited to get it tomorrow, but I consider it a blessing that we have modern medicine to help those of us with uncontrollable issues it's amazing. :) And I'm so grateful for the wonderful friends that I have, the people that I meet who get to know me and look past the ADHD and see that there really is a really great girl to get to know, and they help me to see that because sometimes I have trouble looking past it myself. :)

bored to tears

Yes, I really am bored to the point where I'm starting to cry. Oh if only I could explain what boredom is like for someone with ADHD. It's agonizing!!! My mind and my body just want to go go go go go go go but there's is nowhere for them to go and nothing for them to do. When I get bored I start to feel frustrated and in some ways sick. Oh man it's so hard to explain.... I need life to be more fast paced than this.... I NEED something to do. Just sitting here, with nothing to stimulate my mind or my body is torture... It's like someone took a rope and tied me as tight as they could to a hard table... every limb.... can't move my arms, hands, legs, feet, toes, head anything, all I can do is look. I can try to struggle but it's useless. Wow that probably doesn't even make sense. See the thing is, someone like me shouldn't ever get bored, my mind is going so fast and so everywhere that there should be plenty of things for me to find to do, but when I'm past even that, oh my gosh... If you've ever know anyone with ADHD, it is almost impossible for them to sit still... even sitting in class some part of me was always moving, always fidgeting, mind wandering... it was physically painful if I tried to hold still longer than my body wanted to. Weird sounding yea? But when I get bored that's the point my brain get's too. Physically painful because it's like something is trying to keep it from moving. I get antsy, frustrated and upset. One of my roommates is sleeping in the living room, so I can't do anything loud in here, my other roommate is on the phone in the bedroom, so I can't do anything in there either... I'm not well, so I can't leave the apartment, at least not on my own and everyone else is busy... i'm so frustrated. I don't know what to do with myself...

always discovering

reading. reading a textbook. It used to take me HOURS to read through a textbook assignment... the only reason it doesn't anymore is because I don't have many assignments like that anymore. Wow, sometimes it would take me an hour to read through one page and catch something important! I used to wonder why it was so hard for me, and why it didn't seem to be so hard for other people. Haha needless to say, I didn't always get a lot of my reading assignments done... I couldn't. It's still hard to do, with medication, (not as hard) if it's more than just a few pages... the worst was trying to read my scriptures! I LOVE reading them but would start, and be going, and suddenly a chapter later I missed all of it!! This last time when I started reading I looked at Meghan, my roommate and said "This is the first time I'll actually be able to read it through and grasp it!!" I was so excited, every time before that I've started, it would just be the same thing, night after night, I just absolutely could not stay focused on it!! But now I can!! I'm so excited!!

In response to a question about boredom....
oh holy cow... just the idea of boredom is physically agonizing for me... Luke's description looks close to right, I mean I don't know if it makes me angry, but it certainly does drive me crazy!! Because of the life I lead, whether I'm at college trying to make it through or at home dealing with family situations... I always have ideas of what to do, and things I want to do... get out, get going, be moving and active and something!!... but not always the means to do them, because of certain situations.... boredom for me, when it does come is physically painful. It's ridiculous and no one understands... it makes my skin crawl.... because my mind and my body want to go and do and create and explore but for some reason or another I end up stuck in some nasty situation... like keeping a job that is boring or having responsibilities or circumstances that make it unavoidable... I absolutely hate boredom... bored to tears? painfully bored?? yea those are literal and real for someone with ADHD.

In response to a question about distractions...
pretty sure just about everything can distract me... i get sooooo easily distracted from homework... facebook, now adder world, friends, music, writing/blogging, guitar, art, pictures, food, texts/phone calls, thinking of something I want to read or learn about and suddenly I've been searching online for an hour or two, games... really just about anything!! I'm a ridiculous daydreamer!! I miss a lot in classes and especially when I'm trying to read something!! You know one of those things where you're reading and suddenly you realize it's been 3 pages and you missed all of it!! To get things done, if i really put my mind to it, and constantly remind myself how important it is... but I need encouragement still sometimes... haha I don't even know... I'll get distracted from something and then distracted from whatever distracted me and then something else and the list goes on... right now I should be sleeping but even that doesn't seem to get done!!

In response to still having dreams despite my ADHD
I learn something new every day with my ADHD, and I have so many big dreams!! Nothing is going to stop me, in fact reading everyone's stories and commets on this site helps me out a lot and also helps me see ways that I can use my ADHD to my advantage. Don't get me wrong, it's a struggle and it stinks, but I've read so many positive uplifting things here that help me out a lot!!

So as one of my goals, i want to start to find the up side, the positive... and learn some ways to use my ADHD to my advantage. I want to graduate college, I'm so close and I've worked so hard!! I want to have a family someday! I want to be able to control my ADHD, to have even just moments when my medication is gone for the day where I can set it aside and just be me, and feel so good. I want to have more confidence in myself, I know that there are amazing things inside of me and such amazing potential, I just need to break down the walls and see it. It has been so hard, but I can do this!! I want to be a better friend, and a better big sister... having ADHD growing up and not knowing about it made for some interesting situations with my younger brother and sisters, but I'm working through things and I'm already starting to progress in so many ways!!

Also, just as a side note, I'm so excited to have found this website!! It's so amazing to be able to read about and interact with people who do understand!!! It's amazing!! I get so frustrated sometimes, not necessarily at people, but just that I can't make anyone understand! I hope to make friend here, and if anything, see/read about people who go through some of the same things I do, and learn.

wow that's awesome!! I've only known for just over a year, and I'm still trying to figure out how to look at it. Some days I've got it, no problem, other days not so much. That's so cool that you are starting to look at it like that! I'm still trying to figure it out, but this helps! It gives me hope to feel whole as well, thank you.

In response to a question about who I talk to about my ADHD...
My close friends and my family. I've been really quite blessed! Right now my family is going through some really tough times with my sister though so it's hard for them to really have time to look really deeply into it. They are always supportive, although at times there are things that they just don't understand. I have some pretty awesome friends who will always listen to me and help me if/how they can, even when they don't understand it. In fact they love me all the more because it's all just part of who I am :) it's not easy, and a lot of them don't understand, I have yet to meet someone who really understands, at least in person. I had a boyfriend once with adhd, but i don't really get to talk to him anymore, and that was before i knew about mine. that would have been nice. good luck!!


also, keeping this blog/journal is really helping me keep get things out and learn and keep track of things... let's just hope that I can make it through class tomorrow!!

sleepless

ADHD... oh my goodness... can I just tell you how frustrating this can be...most if not all of the time. My brain will just not cooperate. Lame. I should be sleeping. I'm sick and exhausted and not sleeping is not going to help. I have class tomorrow and I need to be rested. I laid in bed for about 1 1/2 hours trying to fall asleep, but I just couldn't. There are just so many things going through my mind, and my mind just won't stop! My body feels wicked restless as well, probably because it hasn't had much movement at all for the last week. So frustrating. Not to mention, having ADHD, I'm an emotional person, but I've been even more emotional and break downish because I've been sick. It's like my mind and my body and my body are all fighting against each other, and eventually they're all gonna lose when I crash back down after this B12 shot wears off... Also, I wish, that I could get y parents to understand what I go through in my brain and body and emotions and everything every single day. I don't mean seem irresponsible, and be up all night, and overspend without realizing it and fall behind in my classes. I really don't mean to, I have such a hard time making it all work right! The way that it needs to, but I don't have the focus in my mind... it's so frustrating just because I try soooo hard, I literally do my best, and I'm not irresponsible or lazy or making excuses. I simply can't help it. But I think no matter what it'll always be hard for my dad to believe that or understand that. It stinks, because I really do try so hard!! Not to mention I've been really sick, so it makes it even worse, just because my mind and my body are functioning even worse than usual. I didn't mean to not take care of myself, I literally forgot! I wan't being irresponsible or lazy... I tried SO HARD this semester!! BAH!! ok... give yourself a break Nichole, it'll be ok, you know what's up and you're doing your best. Oh man, I think that it might be time for me to try and get back to sleep... ugh, I sure as heck hope that I can fall asleep and stay asleep... not to mention, can I just tell you how hard it is for me to get up in the morning. Because of my ADHD!? Lame... again, not lazy or irresponsible... just not working right. I think I've said this before but if I lost a leg or an eye, people would be able to look at me and SEE that something was wrong, just because I can't open up my head and show you the part of my brain that isn't connected properly doesn't mean that it's not there!! Come on people give me a break!! Oh man, let's hope that I can sleep... lets hope that someday the world can understand that I'm not lazy, irresponsible, or making excuses. ADHD is real, so real, and so not easy, but some of us have to live and cope with it constantly. Just give me the benefit of the doubt, give me a break.

everywhere.

Holy cow I'm just everywhere tonight! So the other day I found out that I'm really anemic, and it makes my body soooo weak. Can I tell you how hard it is when my body just wants to move and it simply can't? I was in bed for a week and should still be. Today though I had to go and get a vitamin B12 shot, that's supposed to give me enough of a boost to get through the last two weeks of the semester. So far so good. I'm still wicked weak and tired, but I can get more done this way. I don't know if that has anything to do with it, but I am absolutely everywhere!! I finally got up and to the ceramics studio, but I lost my rings there! Hopefully I left them in my locker, but I don't remember for sure, because as I was leaving was a little after I should have taken my ritalin. Them I just felt weird for the rest of the night. Since my medicine started wearing off, I started falling back into all of my self doubt and frustration inside, that seems to take over on some of my not as good nights. So I cried... a good amount. I just got completely overwhelmed with the good and bad things going on, and my thoughts were racing and confusing and everywhere. I bounced back fairly quick. Now I've been on my laptop for a couple of hours just surfing and now blogging. Oh man I have not been able to keep still!! I'm so tired and my body is soooooo exhausted... and my brain won't turn off.... gah! I'm just everywhere... I should try and go to sleep now but I dunno if I could if I wanted to. There is just so much going through my brain right now. I'm having to try really hard to type this up... it's getting frustrating, so I will probably be done soon... I keep hitting the wrong keys and then having to go back and re-write the same sentence 2 or 3 times... I'm getting wicked frustrated. Especially all these songs that I keep hearing that bring back really painful and vivid memories. Oh boy I need to stop before I push myself. I feel so everywhere and it's driving me crazy right now, especially since I'm completely exhausted... ok, the end.

school hard...

I'm starting to understand the implications of having ADHD and getting through college. I'm NOT making an excuse, I never will. But I do have to learn to accept that there are just some things that I can't do by myself, or that are going to take a few tries. I refuse to lose my opportunity to have a good education. I'm an extremely independant person and so saying that I can't is wicked hard. Accepting that I can't is hard. Knowing that there are times when I'm not the one in control is hard. I'm just gonna say it, I had a harder time keeping things under control this semester. I forgot my medicine when I should have taken it, that threw things off and then I just kept falling more and more behind. It is so hard to sit for so long, to pay attention and really learn. I've been blessed with an awesome photographic memory. So learning by doing is great, but bookwork and lectures and things like that are killer. Which is why I'm having such a hard time getting through my Spanish classes, because of the kind of homework I have! I can't study for an exam, literally.
I tried to explain it to one of my roommates this morning. Her least favorite subject in school is math. She dislikes math and just doesn't catch on. I told her to imagine that she was taking different 5 math classes this semester. Calculus, trigonometry, geometry, algebra and real world math... she goes into her first math class of the day, real world math. It seems simple enough, at least the name would make you think so. Real world math is how to do taxes, keep a budget and pay a mortgage, all things that will be very important in her future because she plans on having and taking care of a family It's not something she's super interested in, but she knows she needs to do it. And she really wants to learn so bad, and she wants to be able to do it and do well. The teacher starts lecturing. The first few minutes are going well, she's listening and being attentive for the sake of learning and because of her determination to get it. Suddenly things start to get more complicated... there are words she doesn't understand, concepts and formulas that she can't quite grasp. She's not stupid, not even close! Maybe if the teacher showed the problem in a different way it would help, because everyone learns differently, or because math is something you build upon, the teacher could wait until until she grasps the first concept before moving on to the next. But that's not how it works, the teacher shows and goes, and answering some questions and moving forward. Now she starts to become frustrated, she's not catching it and not holding on to anything! So naturally she wants to leave! But she can't her grade depends on whether or not she sits through the whole class and tries to learn. It's really only the best way I can think to describe it... not the best example, but as close as I can think to get. I gave that to her and she said that itself sounded like torture, she would probably stop going to school. Now I'm not saying I feel tortured but it is hard. I have that problem in just about every class. As much as I want to learn it or know it or do well, my brain simply and literally won't let me! It starts filtering out the uninteresting, literally everything that I'm not completely enthralled by. And then it goes elsewhere because it's bored, usually without my permission.
In class it's bad, but other times it can be good. My imagination is so adventurous and vivid that it can take me just about anywhere! I can see and feel and hear just about anywhere I want to be! I have an amazing memory for details and things that may not seem of consequence... my roommate asks where she left her wallet and I can literally go through the apartment in my head and find it where I saw it last. It's so cool!
Anyway... back to school. I'm really very smart, I pick things up quickly and can usually remember them and understand them. I breezed through high school, because classes were less than an hour and at the time it was where all my focus was. But I do remember other struggles. I remember I would have a simple worksheet to finish, one that if you timed how long it took me to do each problem or answer each question, the whole paper probably would have taken me less than a half hour, but if you include the time I spent distracted, it added up to hours upon hours and late nights. It always got done, and I always did well, I could do the work no problem. The only problem was that I couldn't sit there long enough to just do it and have it done. I would get so distracted. Suddenly and hour had passed and I had only a few simple problems done. I can't even tell you how many times my parents had to pull me back to reality with "Nichole get your homework done" or "Nichole stop doing that you have homework". Never in mean or unkind way, but they just wanted me to do my best and none of us understood that my brain and my body were literally not capable of sitting for even a half hour to complete the task at hand. I also remember having such a hard time focusing that as smart as I was, I would be struggling (for me) to do well because I made simple mistakes that had nothing to do with the actual concept I was trying to learn... meaning I would write a + instead of a - or I would copy it wrong or use the wrong word.
Then there was reading. Boy can I read, but it has to really pull me in or I can't stick with it literally!! When I read something good, I hyper-focus! I zero in completely on what I'm reading, my mind becomes completely wrapped up in the story, it takes me somewhere else, into the pages and the places and times inside. I read so quickly and still understand and catch it all! And create a whole other world for myself. I remember the books I read and enjoy like places I've been, and people I've met. But only if it intrigues my mind, otherwise it won't stick hardly at all! I lose complete track of time and everything else going on around me. I hyper-focus. I remember there being a time, or a few times, when calling my name was not enough to pull me out of my hyper-focus. I'd come back into reality with several people looking at me and going on about how they'd said my name several times and I hadn't budged.
Oh man there are so many things that make so much more sense now... I was so rowdy growing. Everyone just thought I was a rough and tumble tomboy type of girl, which to some extent I certainly was. But looking back it was so much more than that. That's why I was always so rough when I played, I was so full of energy and imagination that I had to get it all out!! I became rough and messy without thinking or realizing it! I couldn't sleep at night, I've always been so emotional and passionate that it was hard for people to get things through to me, and it was so hard for me to get my thoughts and feelings across because they all become so emotional, passionate and intense, to the point of irrationality. They get extremely mixed around and confused... shaken not stirred.
I had and incident the other night. It was in between doses of medication I got upset about something completely ridiculous and really it was stupid and I said some things that just as me, I never, ever, ever would have said!! But all I can remember is feeling so emotional and passionate and driven and frustrated... It was terrible, because no matter what anyone else said, it didn't click the way it should of, the way I know is the right way. And I felt like nothing I as saying was being heard. I felt hurt and below everyone and everything. Then as my medicine started taking effect, I realized what I had been saying... I still can't work it all out and I never will be able to, because when I get to that point I don't have much control at all, ADHD does. It was terrible, to realize that things had come out of my mouth that I never would have said, no matter how hurt I was or anything, in fact, I wouldn't have ever let something so stupid get to me. I guess it wasn't just one thing on my mind. There was a lot there that had built up and come exploding out. It made no sense to my roommate at all, and when I can think straight it makes absolutely no sense to me either!! It happens from time to time now... I remembering having incidents like that all growing up and they would turn in to heated arguments that none of us understood. I can't even remember the whole conversation. My amazing roommate, bless her heart, figured out what was going on, and was so incredibly patient with me as I tried to pull myself together and loved me just the same the next day. My mind just get's so irrational and caught up that once it starts going it's just going. Some nights I become a completely different person, it's ridiculous. But it also shows how amazing modern medicine and good patient friends are. It makes sense that some nights are worse than others.
When I first started taking ritalin, I would be worse at night, and I asked my doctor about it, and if it was normal. And he said said that yes absolutely it was. The end of the day is usually the worst for someone with ADHD, because everything from the day comes crashing down hard and fast. But believe me, it is SO worth it to be able to myself for 90% of the day. Hopefully I'll learn other ways to cope as well, so that crashing down won't be as bad. Maybe someday I'll get to like 95% of the day as me :) some days I get close. It's not always like that, just from time to time, depending on the day and other things. Some nights just get really hyper and obnoxious. When I first started living with one of my roommates, the first time she saw me come down off my medicine I got super hyper and it actually made her nervous. Every day is a new experience, there's always more to learn. I've spent countless hours trying to make sense of everything, and I realize more and more that I will never completely make sense of it. And that trying sometimes will just make it harder. It's easier to recognize the problem, deal with it and set it aside. This will be the trial of my life, I'll learn all sorts of things in so many different ways that almost no one will understand, but it will be what makes me who I need to be. I just need to learn to let myself see my potential, and all the good things that I can do, that I am me with or without ADHD.

a start...

So, a year ago this past March I was diagnosed with mild/severe ADHD. You can probably imagine that it was not and easy thing to find out at first. But it also answered A LOT of my questions about myself and how I felt and who I was. It has been quite a learning experience. In fact it was a relief to know that my questions were answerable! It's still very new to me so I'm still learning how to handle all of the different parts to it. Just when I think I've got something figured out, it takes me by surprise and suddenly there's more to learn! I'm slowly making little breakthroughs though, and learning how to handle it to the best of my ability, and learning to see the positive side of it all. There are so many thoughts and feeling that I want to be able to share or at least have down somewhere, as much as my brain would like to do it tonight, I'll probably lose my focus on this in about 5 minutes... either that or I'll hyper-focus and be up the rest of the night writing a novel! I'm learning to see myself and my ADHD (at least the problems it presents) as different things, I am not ADHD, I have ADHD. And I can learn to control it and even use it to my benefit. I'm learning that all the time's I've been rejected or pushed aside, or even just the times I frustrate people, it's not me! It's a part of me that I literally and legitimately cannot control. They struggle the same thing that I struggle with, just from a different viewpoint. That idea itself, is still something that's wicked hard for me to accept. It's hard to say "I have ADHD", It's hard to have to say that because of it, there are some things that I just can't do on my own. Things that my brain can't handle. Really parts of my brain just work super fast, and focus differently. There are so many different and negative stigmas that come with ADHD, because people don't understand it or don't believe in it... because so many people see it as an excuse, a misbehavior or laziness! Except it's not any of those!! It's very real, and very difficult. For a while now I myself feel liek if I even bring it up, I'm making some ridiculous excuse, or like I'm just not up to par... But i'm learning otherwise and understanding better! I'm still in the process of learning and hopefully as I keep this blog up, I can keep a record and learn as I go, and get it all out. I'm almost 23, and I'm a college student, who's ADHD makes it harder to do this. But I keep learning so much and connecting so many things!! I want to share it with whoever is willing to read it!! I was watching a youtube video that someone had posted about her struggles with ADHD ( ) She points out how many people with ADHD are very intelligent and able to learn well and do amazingly! But because of the way academics are set up today it is near impossible for me to do. For example, photography is one of my most favorite things ever! Ir's one of my main focuses here at school, but it is literally painful and impossible for me to sit through a 3 hour lecture about it, as much as i WANT to listen and WANT to learn. I catch maybe the first bit when I am medicated, but even that can only do so much (which is most of the time enough). It's not because I'm stupid or lazy, it's because my body and brain simply cannot handle the situation. Now on the other hand it you were to give me a camera and the other necessities, a brief explanation so I know enough to make it work, then I can learn by doing and have amazing pictures to show for it!! IF I do it on my own terms... there is soooooo much more that I have to say, but I'm so tired, and I really should be sleeping. More to come, I learn something new every day... so for now this is a start. A start to my rambling, ranting, focused and unfocused, to my teaching, showing, but most of all my learning.