... OH SHINY!!....

Ok, so I've been not here for the pas like week... It's been an interesting week to say the least... So last Friday, I was suddenly out of my ritalin... oh shoot... I had just been getting over being really sick, and I had thrown myself into my final projects in my studio classes, because they needed to be done by yesterday (which they were =]) so my weekend has been not so great. I haven't been this long without my medication since I found out about my ADHD. I've been sooooooo up and down and back and forth and everywhere it's driving me crazy!! Most of the time I feel not in control of myself, I keep doing and saying ridiculous and stupid things, and asking ridiculous questions, and fidgeting and bouncing and crying at the drop of a hat!! Also my appetite has NOT been suppressed so I eat like "the food is going to disappear off my plate!!" at least that's how my roommates put it :) I love them. They have been so patient and understanding... I have the.best.roommates. hands down. They have both both been so sweet to me. They both know my medication ran out and they both are completely understanding that I act differently and can't help it. Oh my goodness I can't even begin to explain how wonderful they have been!So patient of my distractedness and ridiculous questions and my immense hyperactivity. They treat me with the love and kindness that only true friends could :). Saturday was the worst day by far. I just lost myself by the end of the day. Sunday was amazing!!! I was myself, just Nichole for the whole day!! I did have one last pill for church that morning, but even after that, I kept it cool and was just me. It was so amazing and happy. Yesterday and today have both been up and down. Especially since I'm trying to finish up the semester and get packed and moved and travel home!! It's been insane!! Especially without ritalin to help me focus and not panic! Tomorrow morning I'm going in to the doctor to get my prescription renewed. Can I just tell you how excited I am that I'm going to be able to function and be myself again. I've learned a lot these past few day. Like how good people can be, how truly wonderful and loving my roommates are despite my severe ADHD. Side not: I read somewhere that when you grow up undiagnosed, as I did, your body and mind come up with "natural defenses" and ways to handle the ADHD to the best of it's ability, but never as good as medication can be. Once you start taking medication, your body basically says "screw natural defenses. I don't need then anymore!" So for the first few months of taking ritalin, my night times were sometimes a crash and burn, but it was SO worth it. :) I've gotten a lot better about handling my nights and my moments... BUT the last few days have been torture!! Cuz I don't have those natural methods of dealing anymore and stopping having medication so suddenly has NOT been fun... oh man. Oh man... let's just hope that tomorrow I can get everything done and taken care of. Oh man.
Also, interesting story... a few times over the course of the semester, I've tried to help my roommate understand what I got through sometimes. One time I was telling her about my desperate need to move when I'm not on my ritalin. I explained to her that trying to sit still was actually painful, and that my body had to keep moving and fidgeting, or it would literally become painful! I used to lie in bed at night when I was little and have SUCH a hard time falling asleep! (haha I used to get in soooo much trouble for that, but really neither my parents or I knew that it was because I had ADHD) I would lay there and try and see how long I could lay still for, and it would just start to hurt my whole body!! Well my roommate, with all of her trying to work hard and do everything, exhausted her body... there was one night she was up until after 5am on the phone! Anyway, the next day, she was telling my about how incredibly fidgety she had been all day and how she had been at the point where not moving or fidgeting became painful for her (just because here body was so exhausted and running on adrenaline and energy she didn't have) She said to me (in so many words) "Oh my gosh, you feel like this all the time... I AM SO SORRY!!! THIS IS HECK!!!" she even told me at some point that it was like torture and she just kind of looked at me in kind of like a light bulb going on kind of way, like in a small way, she could understand one of the things that I go through. Bless her heart, I love her TO DEATH!!! I just smiled at here and said I was so sorry she didn't feel good, because I know how that can feel and I felt terrible that she was so exhausted!! But it was interesting... She has also had a hard time sleeping this semester... I've had that problem for most of my life, whether it's because my brain or my body or both just will not turn off and let me sleep!! And she was describing it to me and we were talking about it, and we've talked about it before, but I usually don't bring my problem up because I don't want her to think that I think my problem is worse, or more important... because I in no way do... in fact, if anything I'm used to it... I mean it still sucks, but I'm pretty used to it, it's happened all my life!!... anyway, it was another similar moment, where she realized that I felt like she was all the time, and she could again, in one way, understand what I experience more often than not. It was really, really cool... a lot of the things she's dealing with, I can understand and help her with... it makes me feel happy that I can help her.... She has been such a blessing in my life... When I first met her she didn't know how to deal with a roommate with ADHD, but the more she got to know me, the more she liked me, and wanted me around. She is one of the "more patient with me" people that I have met, although I have been met to meet a few very wonderful patient loving friends who have loved me so much and overlooked that I have ADHD... I could list all of them, but that might be more to think about then I can handle without my meds right now... Anyway, it means a lot to me that she can in some ways understand a little better... not that I would ever, ever, ever wish it on her or anyone, especially not just for the sake of understanding... I love her so much!! She has been so sweet to me about all of this... we've developed and amazing friendship that has helped us both to grow immensely... I'm gonna miss her a lot.
Also, I've discovered how much better I function at night with my ADHD... my body is used to not having medicine in it at night, so now without it, at night at least, I do pretty dang good... this will be helpful when I do get back on my meds, because now I can see that really, at night, sometimes I have my breakdowns, but my medicine does a pretty good job, and my body and mind do a pretty good job as well at night. ALSO I discovered caffeine!! Ok, that looks a bit crazy, normally I don't drink caffeine... especially when I'm on ritalin too, but not having ritalin for the past few days I did some research and found that I could fall back on caffeine, and although it doesn't work nearly as well as my ritalin, it works pretty dang good as a fall back!! It's kinda cool how it helped I didn't expect it to work as well as it did, but it's helped me through my rough weekend!
Anyway, tomorrow I have a lot to get done, so I should probably get some sleep, but I will be back to update again, especially after I have ritalin in me... I really probably shouldn't be so excited to get it tomorrow, but I consider it a blessing that we have modern medicine to help those of us with uncontrollable issues it's amazing. :) And I'm so grateful for the wonderful friends that I have, the people that I meet who get to know me and look past the ADHD and see that there really is a really great girl to get to know, and they help me to see that because sometimes I have trouble looking past it myself. :)