school hard...

I'm starting to understand the implications of having ADHD and getting through college. I'm NOT making an excuse, I never will. But I do have to learn to accept that there are just some things that I can't do by myself, or that are going to take a few tries. I refuse to lose my opportunity to have a good education. I'm an extremely independant person and so saying that I can't is wicked hard. Accepting that I can't is hard. Knowing that there are times when I'm not the one in control is hard. I'm just gonna say it, I had a harder time keeping things under control this semester. I forgot my medicine when I should have taken it, that threw things off and then I just kept falling more and more behind. It is so hard to sit for so long, to pay attention and really learn. I've been blessed with an awesome photographic memory. So learning by doing is great, but bookwork and lectures and things like that are killer. Which is why I'm having such a hard time getting through my Spanish classes, because of the kind of homework I have! I can't study for an exam, literally.
I tried to explain it to one of my roommates this morning. Her least favorite subject in school is math. She dislikes math and just doesn't catch on. I told her to imagine that she was taking different 5 math classes this semester. Calculus, trigonometry, geometry, algebra and real world math... she goes into her first math class of the day, real world math. It seems simple enough, at least the name would make you think so. Real world math is how to do taxes, keep a budget and pay a mortgage, all things that will be very important in her future because she plans on having and taking care of a family It's not something she's super interested in, but she knows she needs to do it. And she really wants to learn so bad, and she wants to be able to do it and do well. The teacher starts lecturing. The first few minutes are going well, she's listening and being attentive for the sake of learning and because of her determination to get it. Suddenly things start to get more complicated... there are words she doesn't understand, concepts and formulas that she can't quite grasp. She's not stupid, not even close! Maybe if the teacher showed the problem in a different way it would help, because everyone learns differently, or because math is something you build upon, the teacher could wait until until she grasps the first concept before moving on to the next. But that's not how it works, the teacher shows and goes, and answering some questions and moving forward. Now she starts to become frustrated, she's not catching it and not holding on to anything! So naturally she wants to leave! But she can't her grade depends on whether or not she sits through the whole class and tries to learn. It's really only the best way I can think to describe it... not the best example, but as close as I can think to get. I gave that to her and she said that itself sounded like torture, she would probably stop going to school. Now I'm not saying I feel tortured but it is hard. I have that problem in just about every class. As much as I want to learn it or know it or do well, my brain simply and literally won't let me! It starts filtering out the uninteresting, literally everything that I'm not completely enthralled by. And then it goes elsewhere because it's bored, usually without my permission.
In class it's bad, but other times it can be good. My imagination is so adventurous and vivid that it can take me just about anywhere! I can see and feel and hear just about anywhere I want to be! I have an amazing memory for details and things that may not seem of consequence... my roommate asks where she left her wallet and I can literally go through the apartment in my head and find it where I saw it last. It's so cool!
Anyway... back to school. I'm really very smart, I pick things up quickly and can usually remember them and understand them. I breezed through high school, because classes were less than an hour and at the time it was where all my focus was. But I do remember other struggles. I remember I would have a simple worksheet to finish, one that if you timed how long it took me to do each problem or answer each question, the whole paper probably would have taken me less than a half hour, but if you include the time I spent distracted, it added up to hours upon hours and late nights. It always got done, and I always did well, I could do the work no problem. The only problem was that I couldn't sit there long enough to just do it and have it done. I would get so distracted. Suddenly and hour had passed and I had only a few simple problems done. I can't even tell you how many times my parents had to pull me back to reality with "Nichole get your homework done" or "Nichole stop doing that you have homework". Never in mean or unkind way, but they just wanted me to do my best and none of us understood that my brain and my body were literally not capable of sitting for even a half hour to complete the task at hand. I also remember having such a hard time focusing that as smart as I was, I would be struggling (for me) to do well because I made simple mistakes that had nothing to do with the actual concept I was trying to learn... meaning I would write a + instead of a - or I would copy it wrong or use the wrong word.
Then there was reading. Boy can I read, but it has to really pull me in or I can't stick with it literally!! When I read something good, I hyper-focus! I zero in completely on what I'm reading, my mind becomes completely wrapped up in the story, it takes me somewhere else, into the pages and the places and times inside. I read so quickly and still understand and catch it all! And create a whole other world for myself. I remember the books I read and enjoy like places I've been, and people I've met. But only if it intrigues my mind, otherwise it won't stick hardly at all! I lose complete track of time and everything else going on around me. I hyper-focus. I remember there being a time, or a few times, when calling my name was not enough to pull me out of my hyper-focus. I'd come back into reality with several people looking at me and going on about how they'd said my name several times and I hadn't budged.
Oh man there are so many things that make so much more sense now... I was so rowdy growing. Everyone just thought I was a rough and tumble tomboy type of girl, which to some extent I certainly was. But looking back it was so much more than that. That's why I was always so rough when I played, I was so full of energy and imagination that I had to get it all out!! I became rough and messy without thinking or realizing it! I couldn't sleep at night, I've always been so emotional and passionate that it was hard for people to get things through to me, and it was so hard for me to get my thoughts and feelings across because they all become so emotional, passionate and intense, to the point of irrationality. They get extremely mixed around and confused... shaken not stirred.
I had and incident the other night. It was in between doses of medication I got upset about something completely ridiculous and really it was stupid and I said some things that just as me, I never, ever, ever would have said!! But all I can remember is feeling so emotional and passionate and driven and frustrated... It was terrible, because no matter what anyone else said, it didn't click the way it should of, the way I know is the right way. And I felt like nothing I as saying was being heard. I felt hurt and below everyone and everything. Then as my medicine started taking effect, I realized what I had been saying... I still can't work it all out and I never will be able to, because when I get to that point I don't have much control at all, ADHD does. It was terrible, to realize that things had come out of my mouth that I never would have said, no matter how hurt I was or anything, in fact, I wouldn't have ever let something so stupid get to me. I guess it wasn't just one thing on my mind. There was a lot there that had built up and come exploding out. It made no sense to my roommate at all, and when I can think straight it makes absolutely no sense to me either!! It happens from time to time now... I remembering having incidents like that all growing up and they would turn in to heated arguments that none of us understood. I can't even remember the whole conversation. My amazing roommate, bless her heart, figured out what was going on, and was so incredibly patient with me as I tried to pull myself together and loved me just the same the next day. My mind just get's so irrational and caught up that once it starts going it's just going. Some nights I become a completely different person, it's ridiculous. But it also shows how amazing modern medicine and good patient friends are. It makes sense that some nights are worse than others.
When I first started taking ritalin, I would be worse at night, and I asked my doctor about it, and if it was normal. And he said said that yes absolutely it was. The end of the day is usually the worst for someone with ADHD, because everything from the day comes crashing down hard and fast. But believe me, it is SO worth it to be able to myself for 90% of the day. Hopefully I'll learn other ways to cope as well, so that crashing down won't be as bad. Maybe someday I'll get to like 95% of the day as me :) some days I get close. It's not always like that, just from time to time, depending on the day and other things. Some nights just get really hyper and obnoxious. When I first started living with one of my roommates, the first time she saw me come down off my medicine I got super hyper and it actually made her nervous. Every day is a new experience, there's always more to learn. I've spent countless hours trying to make sense of everything, and I realize more and more that I will never completely make sense of it. And that trying sometimes will just make it harder. It's easier to recognize the problem, deal with it and set it aside. This will be the trial of my life, I'll learn all sorts of things in so many different ways that almost no one will understand, but it will be what makes me who I need to be. I just need to learn to let myself see my potential, and all the good things that I can do, that I am me with or without ADHD.