a start...

So, a year ago this past March I was diagnosed with mild/severe ADHD. You can probably imagine that it was not and easy thing to find out at first. But it also answered A LOT of my questions about myself and how I felt and who I was. It has been quite a learning experience. In fact it was a relief to know that my questions were answerable! It's still very new to me so I'm still learning how to handle all of the different parts to it. Just when I think I've got something figured out, it takes me by surprise and suddenly there's more to learn! I'm slowly making little breakthroughs though, and learning how to handle it to the best of my ability, and learning to see the positive side of it all. There are so many thoughts and feeling that I want to be able to share or at least have down somewhere, as much as my brain would like to do it tonight, I'll probably lose my focus on this in about 5 minutes... either that or I'll hyper-focus and be up the rest of the night writing a novel! I'm learning to see myself and my ADHD (at least the problems it presents) as different things, I am not ADHD, I have ADHD. And I can learn to control it and even use it to my benefit. I'm learning that all the time's I've been rejected or pushed aside, or even just the times I frustrate people, it's not me! It's a part of me that I literally and legitimately cannot control. They struggle the same thing that I struggle with, just from a different viewpoint. That idea itself, is still something that's wicked hard for me to accept. It's hard to say "I have ADHD", It's hard to have to say that because of it, there are some things that I just can't do on my own. Things that my brain can't handle. Really parts of my brain just work super fast, and focus differently. There are so many different and negative stigmas that come with ADHD, because people don't understand it or don't believe in it... because so many people see it as an excuse, a misbehavior or laziness! Except it's not any of those!! It's very real, and very difficult. For a while now I myself feel liek if I even bring it up, I'm making some ridiculous excuse, or like I'm just not up to par... But i'm learning otherwise and understanding better! I'm still in the process of learning and hopefully as I keep this blog up, I can keep a record and learn as I go, and get it all out. I'm almost 23, and I'm a college student, who's ADHD makes it harder to do this. But I keep learning so much and connecting so many things!! I want to share it with whoever is willing to read it!! I was watching a youtube video that someone had posted about her struggles with ADHD ( ) She points out how many people with ADHD are very intelligent and able to learn well and do amazingly! But because of the way academics are set up today it is near impossible for me to do. For example, photography is one of my most favorite things ever! Ir's one of my main focuses here at school, but it is literally painful and impossible for me to sit through a 3 hour lecture about it, as much as i WANT to listen and WANT to learn. I catch maybe the first bit when I am medicated, but even that can only do so much (which is most of the time enough). It's not because I'm stupid or lazy, it's because my body and brain simply cannot handle the situation. Now on the other hand it you were to give me a camera and the other necessities, a brief explanation so I know enough to make it work, then I can learn by doing and have amazing pictures to show for it!! IF I do it on my own terms... there is soooooo much more that I have to say, but I'm so tired, and I really should be sleeping. More to come, I learn something new every day... so for now this is a start. A start to my rambling, ranting, focused and unfocused, to my teaching, showing, but most of all my learning.